Life's History

I had been with my Husband for 13 years when I got a phone call on 9/11/02. The phone call was a recording that my Husband had left on the OW's voice mail saying that he wanted to know where his daughter was. That was all, she hung up. The mind is such a weird thing, I was sure I had heard him say he wanted to know where his door key was. I was furious that he had lost his door key! If only it had been as simple as a door key. When I called him to ask him about the message, he said I was crazy, he didn't know what I was talking about, blah,blah,blah. When I had time to realize what he had actually said, I begged him to tell me the truth and he did. He had a 4 month old daughter. My world stopped.Something in me died right then and there, because I knew that my life would never be the same. I did all of the things you would expect someone in that situation to do. I did them all. I screamed, I cried, I begged God to make it not so. I wanted answers, I wanted revenge, I wanted to be someone else, anything to make it right again. He wouldn't give me any details other than his daughter's first name and how old she was. So for exactly two weeks, I had a small glimer of hope that this had all been a one night stand, a casual fling, something that just accidentally happened. I blamed the OW, she must have been trying to trap him. The second phone call came that took that last piece of sanity I so despritly clung to. It was the OW. By that time I had found out who she was, where she lived, worked, everything. She told me everything he wouldn't. They had been seeing each other for 2 and 1/2 years. This was her third pregnacny. The first time she aborted, the second was a tubal, and then their daughter together. Of course there are to many details to put down of everything that was said or done in those first few months, but I wanted you to know some of the things I did to make it through the nightmare that was my life. First, I talked to the OW. I listened more than I talked and took what I needed from those conversations and left the rest. What my Husband didn't tell me, I got from her. I let her know that her child would always be welcome in my home and in my heart, the OC is innocent. I knew from the very start that the OC would be the one to suffer in the end from what her stupid parents did. I decided knowledge was power. I wanted to know. Some don't, I'm not sure which is better, but I wanted to know. I filed for divorce the morning after the second phone call (09/25/02), my divorce was final 10/25/02. I still couldn't let him go, I loved him, or I loved what he was once. I really didn't know who he was right then. In Feb. of 03 I found out she was 5 months pregnant again. She gave that child up for adoption. When I found out about the last pregancy, I couldn't do it anymore. I let him go. But letting him go, didn't let go of what had happened to me. I had been changed. So many times, I sat on my bed, gun in hand wondering if there was any point in going on. I had not only lost my grip on what was normal, I had lost my fundamental belief system. I had been raised in church. I believed there was a God, and I believed that what goes around comes around. This nightmare took all of that away from me. I questioned the very core of my being. But still, everyday the sun continued to rise, the birds still sang, and the world keep spinning,so I went on living. I to this day don't know how, but that's what we do, we keep going. I'll never know the answers that I really needed back when I was questioning the smallest of details about the affair, mainly why and more so, why me. But I don't ask those questions anymore. It is what it is. My Husband and I no longer together, not married, but he's been changed by this too. See in the end, he's the one who lost the most. Just like your Spouse will be too. He's the one in a no win situation. If he's out of the fog, he's already realizing how stupid he was and what has already been lost. If he is still in LA LA land, it won't be long, trust me.What he does or doesn't do, honestly you have no controll over. The only person you have to answer to, in the end is yourself. Are you doing what's right for you and your children? No two people's answers will be the same. There are no certains other than life goes on. I believe when we get to the point that what happens to our spouse doesn't matter as much what happens to us, is when we start the healing process. Sounds selfish doesn't it? But to me, I realized that in this situation, no one else was looking after me, after my well being. If my husband had, I wouldn't have been where I was then. I started becoming who I am today. I am a surviour. I have lived through my worst nightmare, and I survived. Life has a different meaning to me now. I still struggle and stumble, but I keep living. I hope someone will be able to take some small comfort from what I've said. You are not aloneand this is not a burden you have to carry alone. I know at first I felt so ashamed. But the shame was never mine. I had that stone necklace around my neck for so long, that when I finally took it off, I realized how much it actually was dragging me down. I'm no superhero, I still have that stone necklace, but now I only take it out and look at it every once in a while. It was so ugly that I don't want to see it anymore everyday. You'll get where your suppose to be, it's a hard long journey. But life has a way of playing out just like it's suppose to be.