Oh the Joys of Everyday Life!

Now don't get me wrong, there are days when I love my life. I know sometimes it doesn't seem like it here because the times when I want to post the most are when I'm down and out, but for the most part, I'm relatively content. Not always over the moon, jumping for joy, but at peace with where and who I am. But oh my..... there are times when I think I will absolutely die of boredom. I just don't have any excitement in my life. I admit, sometimes I confuse excitement with drama, which I defiantly don't want, but I really do need a new hobby or at least something to look forward to other than Grey's Anatomy.
We did go to my Step Brother's place in Panama City, I love it there-I think it's the closet redneck in me. We had a great time, which we always do, but it left only wanting more. I think to myself, why am I not living somewhere I love? Why am I here? Doing something I'm only maraginly successful at, sitting in a house with all the doors closed and blinds drawn and living with few friends and no family.
Anyone who actually reads this knows why, it's because of him. But who knows, one day maybe I'll move somewhere and live a grand adventure but until then I'll sit and wonder about the life I could have.

Why?

How many times does this one word go through my mind every day? Some days it’s the first thing I think when I open my eyes, the first thought, the first word my mind lands on. Other days it’s the final whisper in my ear before I close my eyes. At times, I want to scream it over and over until my throat bleeds and I’m too tired to question anything at all, but even that leaves my soul left to wonder, why? I have to believe that there is something else, that all of this will lead to bigger or better things, but there are days, like today, when I’m not so sure. I want it all to make sense, I want it all to make me stronger, smarter, more anything. But I think it’s just making me old. And even this leaves me asking Why?

Obituary of William L Brown

On Mother's Day, May 11,2008, after a long and devastating battle with Rectal-Cranial Inversion (AKA Head Up The ASS) , William L Brown left my life forever. While he lived and existed more in his own imagination than in the real world, he leaves behind many who will miss what he had the potential to be.

When he left I felt a weight had been lifted and so had any expectation that I had to fix him - love him into happiness. He was destined to be miserable and left with as much misery as he could stuff in the pockets of the washed out jeans he put on that morning. Nothing was ever good enough. He never got enough attention, love, support, or material possessions. I've known this in bits and pieces through our entire marriage ... but never so clearly until he was gone.

Our relationship really "failed" long before he left. I just hadn't acknowledged it. What if he could have changed? What if the moon falls down tomorrow? Am I mad? Yes, mad as Hell. See,I was always being tested. I was not being loved. I have lived so long trying to be smarter, thinner, nicer, more caring, forgiving, prettier, what ever someone thought I should be, that I don't even know who I am any more.

I can't fix him, I hope I can fix me. With the grace of God, I want away from the spell of "it will be different." It will not be different.

Reality is here. It is ugly.

Empty Spot

I can separate our marriage,
but can't separate our lives.
I can put you out of my house,
but can't put you out of my heart.
I can pack your clothes in boxes,
but can't pack away the memories.
I take down pictures and fill empty frames,
but can't fill the empty place in my soul.

Quote to Live By...

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.

Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We were bon to manifest the glory of God that is within us. ALL of us.

And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates other.

Nelson Manella
1994

The One

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you. Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her."