Ambiguous Loss

As I was walking up the stair,
I met a man who was not there.
He was not there again today.
Oh, how I wish he'd go away.

English Nursery Rhyme

Ambiguous Loss defined: physically present but emotionally absent (Alzheimer's) or emotionally present, but physically absent (Divorce).

I have a problem in this area because I am by nature a problem solver. But how do you explain the unexplainable? How do you fix something you had no control over? Why can't I explain exactly what it is that I lost or why I feel the pain I feel? I can't even imagine how emotions so totally opposite can mirror each other so closely. (i.e., you love someone but push them away or don't want someone to leave but want the good-byes to be over) How can I fix something when I can't even tell you what the exact problem is?
I believe the Serenity Prayer must have been written in direct response to someone's Ambiguous Loss.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

You mourn what you have lost, celebrate what you have, improve what you can, and accept the ambiguity of everything else.

Start the Journey

I think that sometimes we believe that we are held captive by our emotions, unable to act as we choose. Almost like a prisoner in a cell that is unlocked.We won't leave because we believe that cell protects us. Anger is an example, it holds us back and keeps us from moving forward in life, but we refuse to let it go. We hold onto it tightly believing that it protects us from being hurt again. Our pain keeps us from acting, if we don't act then we don't fail. But when as I started the process of "letting go" I quickly knew that letting go of my anger meant that I didn't have anyone else to blame for my own unhappiness. As long as I held onto that anger and resentment, I had an excuse to feel the way I did. I think true forgiveness starts when we give the betrayer a "Paid in Full" receipt, saying you owe me nothing. (I'm talking emotionally, not child support ) The score is even. I don't accept what you did, but you don't owe me because of it either. I am taking responsibility for the way I feel, you have no part in this play anymore. Of course, this doesn't always work for me and I go back to the scoreboard and start tallying up past hurts to see what he owes me, but realizing that holding on to the pain ties me to him I try not to go there anymore than possible. I am getting stronger because I know that pain of holding on is worse than the fear of letting go.Healing is a journey and the less you carry, the farther you'll go.

Duece

A dog is the only thing on this earth that loves you more than he loves himself.

--Josh Billings

Depression

Thoughts on depression. Depression can be debilitating. It robs us of energy and enthusiasm for life. It takes away appetite, sleep, sex drive, decisiveness, and the will to get up in the morning. It can lead to thoughts of suicide, feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing, and a sense of hopelessness: “Things are always going to be bleak. It’s never going to get any better.” Infidelity does that to us, I felt isolated, almost a feeling of being cut off from the people around me, like being underwater, sort of emotionally underwater, I was not able, nor did I want to make direct physical contact with anyone. People often judge others who suffer from depression as weak. Even if they accept and support someone who's depressed, they will not afford themselves the same love and acceptance. But one important fact to realize about depression is that it can not be wished away. Recovery is your choice. You must first choose to acknowledge that there’s a problem and then you must choose to do something about it. One of the things I’ve started to learn, slowly and painfully over the last few years, is that we may not always have control over how we feel, but we can empower ourselves to create affirmations-new, more positive thoughts-that shed a happier, more optimistic light on what we’re doing. Because if there’s a choice-and I have to believe that in my mind, at least, there usually is-isn’t it better to start from a point of “It’s a beautiful day, and I have my life” rather than “It’s a shitty (or potentially shitty) day, and what good is my worthless existence”?
These are my affirmations:
I am doing the best I can with the understanding, awareness and knowledge I have. As I gain more of this, I will do things differently. If a thought or belief does not serve me, I will let it go. There is no written law that says because once I believed something I have to continue to believe it forever.
Many of the aches and pains I experience are symptoms of a deep process, a process of healing and cleansing my heart and soul.
I will not settle for peace based on outward circumstances or a particular arrangement in my life.
I give myself permission to begin again with whatever I am trying to learn.
I am not at a dead end. I am reaching a new beginning.
I’m sure there are others here that may have others to add, but the idea of “self talk” has helped me a lot. I have even wore a rubber band around my wrist and when I started to have those negative voices whispering in my ear, I’d just pop that rubber band to change my train of thought. I can’t always change my circumstances, but I can change my views. Sometimes it’s hard not to see the suffering, but more often it’s hard not to see the joy. I believe that we usually find what we’re looking for, I am looking for Hope. I am looking for Faith in Humanity, I am looking for Love.

Letter to the OW

Dear Dashonna, (Ass Faced Monkey Whore!)

You have won. Congratulations. After all this time of having to sneak in a visit with Will when he could get away, you now have him fulltime. How exciting this time must be for you. Just be aware that he did not leave me for you- I want to clear that up right now. He left because I made him leave. I chose myself, and being true to ME rather than deal with such deceit and lies. He's been free to leave me for you for a long time, and had chosen to be with me for the 'long haul'. There were many times I asked him to leave, but he chose to stay. Why? Maybe you weren't worth giving up what he had. But see, I have had enough, and now he has no choice but to go to you for a place to lay his head. After all, you are the reason he's in this mess, you might as well pay for it too.

But I’ve got to tell you what you've really won. Because it would be unfair to let you believe that it's all roses. You have won a man who has the capability to look you in your face and lie. A man who is capable of spending time with another woman, coming home- and getting into bed with you, without an ounce of remorse. You have won a cheater, plain and simple. And believe me, if he'll cheat on ME, he will most definitely cheat on you. And the real reward is that you, with your history, will not be able to say one word about his lack of morals. Pots calling kettles black just aren’t very smart. He only loves one person in his life, himself. And that's why he spent the time with you that he did, really. Because you were so desperate for a man- any man, that all your attention went to him. All your energy. At your house he did not have to worry about bills, responsibilities, or anything else. It could all be about HIM. Do you really think he cared about your finances? Problems? Think back, did he ever want to hear about your fears? I doubt he did. He liked it that you 'adored' him so much- desperation will do that to you I guess.

I have really won too, in a way. Because now his lying and cheating are your problems. I have way more self respect than to allow this to continue on the way it has all this time. I was not willing to have him part-time, because I am worth so much more than that. Maybe a night here and there is o.k. with you, but it's not with me.

You may think that he'll be "different" with you somehow. Don't fool yourself. If he had any respect for you at all, he would have never expected you to be satisfied withbeing part of his life at HIS convenience only- when his real allegiance was to our family and me. He would have actually wanted nothing but good for you, and any respectable man or woman knows that good comes in the form of a man who can love you and be faithful to you.

I know that in your mind, I was the stupid one. After all, isn't that what you said? But in reality, who's the dumb one? All of us are in some ways, but really the two of you are the dumbest of all. I was the smart one- I got out. I valued myself and my child over the two of you- and your twisted, demented relationship. Now I feel sorry for your baby that you two ended up having together. This is the type of role model that you want to be for your child? I would hate to think this is what you would teach a young girl to be- take what you can get, and screw everyone else. I would wish better for any child than you and him as parents.

Lucky for me that I can see life for what it really is. You will get yours in the end- and God willing, I hope I'm around to see it or hear about it. One day, when the illusion that is your life plays the cruelest joke on you- when someone just like YOU comes in and ruins it for you, you will understand exactly what I'm saying.

Best of Luck to You and Yours,

His Wife

Packing...

When he came home that night, he glanced in quickly to see her sitting on the bed. “You all right?” he asks her as she silently nods her head yes. The boxes where on the floor but it didn’t look like she had accomplished much over the weekend. “How was the funeral?” she says in an oddly numb voice. “It was sad, Grandmamma is taking it pretty hard” was the reply he gave as he went into the living room to sit in his favorite chair. She heard the TV come on as she decided to get up and start the packing she had vowed to herself she would have done before he got back. And as much as she wanted this part to be over, she just couldn’t stay focused long enough to get anything done. All the great plans she had made that Thursday night had died quietly over the long weekend and now her husband was home and she still had no boxes finished. But every time she tried to start, the sadness overwhelmed her and she couldn’t get past the fact that their life together was ending. How could this have happened? Her heart would scream, while her mind told her it happened because she let it. There was no one else to blame but herself. That thought alone caused her very soul to burn, she had let this happen, this was her fault. She had driven him into another woman’s arms just as sure as if she had pick up the keys and put him into the car herself. And oh God, now there was a baby. Not her baby, but his baby. A baby born to another woman, one who had been able to give him the baby that she had hoped for so long ago. A baby she would never know, a part of him that she would never have. The dreams of having a baby with her husband, the part of seeing someone that both of them had created, had died years before for her. Not that she had ever forgotten that she couldn’t, a woman never forgets that, but she thought she had accepted it, made peace with the demons who ever so often raised their head if she looked at baby clothes for to long in stores even now. Then she learned of a daughter, only 5 months old, and her world just stopped.Had it been 11 days now? How many tears had she shed in the past 11 days? So many that she thought another tear would never leave her eyes again, but then her mind would go back to the very second when she ask him if he had a baby and the one word answer he gave “yes” would tear her soul out again and again just like it did the first time she had heard it and the tears would come. She hears him sigh in the living room and she knows that he doesn’t want to hear her pain anymore. It must be as hard on him in ways as it is on her. But her sorrow is like a heavy stone necklace she wears around her neck. It wears her down, minute-by-minute, becoming heavier with every thought and she is powerless to take it off. It never leaves her, never gives her a chance to breath without knowing it’s there, and she knows without a doubt, that she’ll never be without it again. But there are boxes to finish, lives to separate, and a baby somewhere waiting for her father, so she does the only thing she knows to do. She starts packing………..
Cynthia B.
September 22, 2002

I know that there where so many times, especially in the beginning, when I heard some of the cliches about time and fate and I was sure they would never apply to my life or my situation. How can something so terrible bring about anything but destruction? I didn't want to be stronger, I didn't want to look back one day and appreciate anything, I wanted my life back. It took me along time to understand that I had no control over anything but myself, sometimes I didn't even have control over myself.(Thank You Johnny Walker Red) I wished, I prayed, I begged and pleaded with anyone and everything to take away the impossible. But Life would have no part of easing my pain, it pushed me along, day by day and let me feel every emotion it felt I needed to experience. It taught me it's lessons and popped me on the head when it felt like I wasn't paying attention. I wasn't an easy student, Life was a harder teacher. I'm still learning. The biggest difference for me now is that I want to learn, I no longer think I know it all. Life has a way of picking us up and putting us down right where we're supposed to be. Have faith in the journey, you are on the path your suppose to walk.

Rules for Being Human

Rules For Being Human
1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.
2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time, informal school called life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error; experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately "works".
4. A lesson is repeated until it is learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. Then you can go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.
6. "There" is no better than "here". When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that, again, looks better than "here."
7. Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need; what you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9. The answers lie inside you. The answers to life's questions lie inside you - all you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

~ Author Unknown ~

You are reading from the book Each Day a New Beginning.

...concern should drive us into action and not into depression. --Karen Horney

The role of victim is all too familiar to many of us. Life did us injustices--we thought. And we passively waited for circumstances to change. With the bottle we waited, or maybe the little white pills. Nothing was our fault. That we were willing participants to victimization is an awareness not easily accepted, but true nonetheless.

Victims no more, we are actors, now. And since committing ourselves to this program, we have readily available a willing and very able director for our role in life. Every event invites an action, and we have opted for the responsible life.

Depression may be on the fringes of our consciousness today. But it need not become our state of mind. The antidote is and always will be action, responsible action. Every concern, every experience wants our attention, our active attention.

Today stretches before me, an unknown quantity. Concerns will crowd upon me, but guidance regarding the best action to take is always available to me.

Late Night Vistor

I lie awake waiting for you. As I lie on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you lay on my naked body... You sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you nearly drove me crazy while you drained me. Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishings, making it harder to forget you.




Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you...










.you fricking mosquito.

Living in the Land of Oz
Scene: Dorothy (a.k.a Cynthia) has just landed in the Land of Oz after being picked up with her house by a tornado (a.k.a Affair/Infidelity). She looks around and whispers to little dog TOTO (pitt bull/Duece) and says “We’re not in Kansas (Atlanta) any more.”
Central Characters:
Dorothy: (Cynthia or you name here)
Toto: (my pitt Duece or you insert something here)
Scarecrow: (my XH, fill in as appropriate) If he only had a brain
Tin Man: (the OW for me) If only she had a heart
Cowardly Lyon: (my MIL who knew for years and didn’t tell) If she only she had the courage to do the right thing
Wiched Witch: Divorce on a broom with all of her little flying monkeys: a.k.a triggers, lying, immorality, jealously, disrespect, low self esteem. She keeps riding by screaming “ I’m going to get you my pretty!!”
Good witch: (antidepressant) that puts red slippers made from Zoloft on my feet.
And the Munchkins (my cyber friends) who try to help me find my way back home.
The Stage: My Life
Cut back to scene: There I stand clicking my heals together so hard that there's a hole on one of my pretty red shoes, knowing that all I want is to get back home.

Tonight

Tonight...
Tonight will be the last night... The last night I will relive our last time together....
Tonight will be the last night that I beg God to send you back to me.... The last night that I will criticize myself for not being what you wanted....
Tonight will be the last night that I wonder how you are... What you are doing and whom you are with... The last night I will torment myself of thoughts of you in another's arms....
Tonight will be the last night I wonder why you are unable to love me.... The last night that I will think of myself as "unlovable."
Tonight will be the last time I cry like a wounded animal till I fall asleep.... The last night that I toss and turn with thoughts of you....
Tonight I will free myself of you... YOU who turned and walked away without so much as a glance....
Tonight I let you go....

Drowning...

Downing…
My tide of sorrow is rising and I feel like I’m drowning in the insanity of it all. My life is like a leaking boat and I keep plugging up the cracks with false smiles and fake words, but the water is already waist high. I wish I was a different person, but I am what I am. I am someone who knows, not suspects that she has no one to trust with her secrets. I hold them in until they want to bubble out of my mouth because my soul is on fire but still I choke them back and go on. I grasp at drafting objects that only weigh me down more. Am I crazy to keep paddling? When I know that I will never make it to shore with such a heavy heart? The sky has been dark for so long, where is my sunshine? I need the warmth on my face, some brightness in my soul. I’m afraid of the lightning and thunder all around me, it wants to consume me in its blackness. I need to put my feet on something firmer than the sand all around me and I’m coming to resent the very boat that keeps me from going completely under.

In Between..

Sometimes, to get from where we are to where we are going, we have to be willing to be in between.
One of the hardest parts of Life is the concept of letting go of what is old and familiar, but what we don't want, and being willing to stand with our hands empty while we wait for God to fill them.
This may apply to feelings. We may have been full of hurt and anger. In some ways, these feelings may have become comfortably familiar. When we finally face and relinquish our grief, we may feel empty for a time. We are in between pain and the joy of serenity and acceptance.
Being in between can apply to relationships. To prepare ourselves for the new, we need to first let go of the old. This can be frightening. We may feel empty and lost for a time. We may feel all alone, wondering what is wrong with us for letting go of the proverbial bird in hand, when there is nothing in the bush.
Being in between can apply to many areas of life and recovery. We can be in between jobs, careers, homes, or goals. We can be in between behaviors as we let go of the old and are not certain what we will replace it with. This can apply to behaviors that have protected and served us well all of our life, such as care taking and controlling.
We may have many feelings going on when we're in between: spurts of grief about what we have let go of or lost, and feelings of anxiety, fear, and apprehension about what's ahead. These are normal feelings for the in between place. Accept them. Feel them. Release them.
Being in between isn't fun, but it's necessary. It will not last forever. It may feel like we're standing still, but we're not. We're standing at the in between place. it's how we get from here to there. It is not the destination.

Let it go for 2005...by T. D. Jakes There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19] People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!! If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ...LET IT GO!!! If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...LET IT GO!!! ! If someone has angered you ... LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge .. LET IT GO!!! If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction ...LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents ... LET IT GO!!! If you have a bad attitude...LET IT GO!!! If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better... LET IT GO!!! If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him..LET IT GO!!! If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship....LET IT GO! If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves...LET IT GO!!! If you're feeling depressed and stressed .... LET IT GO!!! If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to... LET IT GO!!! Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. .. think about it, and then LET IT GO!!!

Life's History

I had been with my Husband for 13 years when I got a phone call on 9/11/02. The phone call was a recording that my Husband had left on the OW's voice mail saying that he wanted to know where his daughter was. That was all, she hung up. The mind is such a weird thing, I was sure I had heard him say he wanted to know where his door key was. I was furious that he had lost his door key! If only it had been as simple as a door key. When I called him to ask him about the message, he said I was crazy, he didn't know what I was talking about, blah,blah,blah. When I had time to realize what he had actually said, I begged him to tell me the truth and he did. He had a 4 month old daughter. My world stopped.Something in me died right then and there, because I knew that my life would never be the same. I did all of the things you would expect someone in that situation to do. I did them all. I screamed, I cried, I begged God to make it not so. I wanted answers, I wanted revenge, I wanted to be someone else, anything to make it right again. He wouldn't give me any details other than his daughter's first name and how old she was. So for exactly two weeks, I had a small glimer of hope that this had all been a one night stand, a casual fling, something that just accidentally happened. I blamed the OW, she must have been trying to trap him. The second phone call came that took that last piece of sanity I so despritly clung to. It was the OW. By that time I had found out who she was, where she lived, worked, everything. She told me everything he wouldn't. They had been seeing each other for 2 and 1/2 years. This was her third pregnacny. The first time she aborted, the second was a tubal, and then their daughter together. Of course there are to many details to put down of everything that was said or done in those first few months, but I wanted you to know some of the things I did to make it through the nightmare that was my life. First, I talked to the OW. I listened more than I talked and took what I needed from those conversations and left the rest. What my Husband didn't tell me, I got from her. I let her know that her child would always be welcome in my home and in my heart, the OC is innocent. I knew from the very start that the OC would be the one to suffer in the end from what her stupid parents did. I decided knowledge was power. I wanted to know. Some don't, I'm not sure which is better, but I wanted to know. I filed for divorce the morning after the second phone call (09/25/02), my divorce was final 10/25/02. I still couldn't let him go, I loved him, or I loved what he was once. I really didn't know who he was right then. In Feb. of 03 I found out she was 5 months pregnant again. She gave that child up for adoption. When I found out about the last pregancy, I couldn't do it anymore. I let him go. But letting him go, didn't let go of what had happened to me. I had been changed. So many times, I sat on my bed, gun in hand wondering if there was any point in going on. I had not only lost my grip on what was normal, I had lost my fundamental belief system. I had been raised in church. I believed there was a God, and I believed that what goes around comes around. This nightmare took all of that away from me. I questioned the very core of my being. But still, everyday the sun continued to rise, the birds still sang, and the world keep spinning,so I went on living. I to this day don't know how, but that's what we do, we keep going. I'll never know the answers that I really needed back when I was questioning the smallest of details about the affair, mainly why and more so, why me. But I don't ask those questions anymore. It is what it is. My Husband and I no longer together, not married, but he's been changed by this too. See in the end, he's the one who lost the most. Just like your Spouse will be too. He's the one in a no win situation. If he's out of the fog, he's already realizing how stupid he was and what has already been lost. If he is still in LA LA land, it won't be long, trust me.What he does or doesn't do, honestly you have no controll over. The only person you have to answer to, in the end is yourself. Are you doing what's right for you and your children? No two people's answers will be the same. There are no certains other than life goes on. I believe when we get to the point that what happens to our spouse doesn't matter as much what happens to us, is when we start the healing process. Sounds selfish doesn't it? But to me, I realized that in this situation, no one else was looking after me, after my well being. If my husband had, I wouldn't have been where I was then. I started becoming who I am today. I am a surviour. I have lived through my worst nightmare, and I survived. Life has a different meaning to me now. I still struggle and stumble, but I keep living. I hope someone will be able to take some small comfort from what I've said. You are not aloneand this is not a burden you have to carry alone. I know at first I felt so ashamed. But the shame was never mine. I had that stone necklace around my neck for so long, that when I finally took it off, I realized how much it actually was dragging me down. I'm no superhero, I still have that stone necklace, but now I only take it out and look at it every once in a while. It was so ugly that I don't want to see it anymore everyday. You'll get where your suppose to be, it's a hard long journey. But life has a way of playing out just like it's suppose to be.