Oh the Joys of Everyday Life!

Now don't get me wrong, there are days when I love my life. I know sometimes it doesn't seem like it here because the times when I want to post the most are when I'm down and out, but for the most part, I'm relatively content. Not always over the moon, jumping for joy, but at peace with where and who I am. But oh my..... there are times when I think I will absolutely die of boredom. I just don't have any excitement in my life. I admit, sometimes I confuse excitement with drama, which I defiantly don't want, but I really do need a new hobby or at least something to look forward to other than Grey's Anatomy.
We did go to my Step Brother's place in Panama City, I love it there-I think it's the closet redneck in me. We had a great time, which we always do, but it left only wanting more. I think to myself, why am I not living somewhere I love? Why am I here? Doing something I'm only maraginly successful at, sitting in a house with all the doors closed and blinds drawn and living with few friends and no family.
Anyone who actually reads this knows why, it's because of him. But who knows, one day maybe I'll move somewhere and live a grand adventure but until then I'll sit and wonder about the life I could have.

Why?

How many times does this one word go through my mind every day? Some days it’s the first thing I think when I open my eyes, the first thought, the first word my mind lands on. Other days it’s the final whisper in my ear before I close my eyes. At times, I want to scream it over and over until my throat bleeds and I’m too tired to question anything at all, but even that leaves my soul left to wonder, why? I have to believe that there is something else, that all of this will lead to bigger or better things, but there are days, like today, when I’m not so sure. I want it all to make sense, I want it all to make me stronger, smarter, more anything. But I think it’s just making me old. And even this leaves me asking Why?